Insecurities

The things I hide, because I’m afraid if I show them to people, they’ll no longer accept me. I have a solid handful of insecurities. I’m insecure about my thinning hair, that my body shape is unattractive, that I’m not masculine enough, not confident enough, not assertive enough. I’m insecure about my personality. I’m afraid that if I show people too much of who I am, they’ll find me annoying, and they’ll no longer like me. I’m insecure about my body hair, that I have too much of it, and in the wrong places. I’m insecure because I come from a super wealthy & “successful” family, my mom is a doctor and my dad is a lawyer. I’ve been so lucky, so privileged, since the day I was born, and sometimes I feel like I don’t deserve the things I have, or to belong in the places I’m at. I’m afraid that I’m selfish, that I don’t do enough to help others in a world that contains so much suffering. I’m insecure because I’m 22 and I’ve never had sex, and I’m afraid that means there’s something wrong with me. I’m afraid to have sex because I’m afraid my partner won’t find me desirable, or that I won’t be good at it. I’m afraid to flirt with white girls because I assume they’ll find me unattractive because I’m Indian. I’m afraid I’ll never find someone to be wholly myself with, sexually & emotionally & intellectually. I’m insecure because I’m a hypocrite and I don’t always act according to my values. I’m afraid that the positive image I have of myself is a false image I created as a means to survive. I’m afraid that I’m out of touch with reality and that I don’t allow myself to see my faults because, if I did, I wouldn’t be able to live with them. I’m afraid to tell people I’m vegan because they’ll dislike me for this label. I’m afraid to tell people some of my philosophical & political views because it might make them think I’m crazy. I’m afraid to tell people how much I love them because I might make them uncomfortable and they might not feel the same way. Particularly I’m afraid to express love for my male friends, because they might not know how to take it, or one of our other friends might see me expressing affection and they’ll make a joke about how I’m gay, and then everyone will laugh, and I’ll be afraid to show love like that again.

I don’t fully believe all of these thoughts, but I don’t fully disbelieve all of them either. Some of them I believe more than I disbelieve, some I disbelieve more than I believe. My insecurities often depend on my mood, they come and go like waves.

Should I be insecure? I don’t think so honestly. It’s certainly true that at least some people would find me unattractive, or dislikable, or crazy for the things I mentioned above. But I think for the most part, my friends & family would love me for all of me. I know I would do that for them at least. I would do that for a stranger too.

I would like to say that the people who judge me for my insecurities are not the kinds of people I want to associate with, but that’s not even true honestly. I want everyone to like me, I seek approval from everybody. Unfortunately, I probably care about my social image more than almost anything else. I guess my mind was wired for that. It’s so terribly difficult for me to convince myself to not care about what others think. I want to fully express myself, and sometimes I do, but many times I don’t, because I’m afraid.

I guess that’s what’s at the core of all my insecurities. The desire to be loved & accepted. It’s such a strong desire. I crave it probably more than anything else. But honestly, when I do think about it, I think people would probably like me more, and not less, if I were to be more genuine. At least when I see others expressing themselves, particularly in unpopular ways, all I can do is feel a deep sense of respect & admiration for these individuals. To possess the courage & security to be vulnerable, to defy social norms, it’s such a beautiful thing. I want to be like these people. To express love & confidence & authenticity in everything I do.

It’s hard to be that type of person, but I think I’ve gotten better at it. I think like everything, authenticity is something you can practice. A skill you can exercise. I’m going to keep trying to get better. Maybe tomorrow I’ll dance in the street, probably not though that shit is scary.

I hope everyone reading this can find the courage to be themselves too. I think everyone deserves to be loved for who they are.