I’ve gotten good grades pretty much my whole life. And it’s always felt so affirming. I can still remember the rush of opening my report cards in elementary school. The anxiety & excitement beforehand, and then the pride & validation when I saw that I had done well. “Yes, I am smart!”
Getting good grades really became part of my identity. I was the smart kid. The one who was in advanced math classes and got straight A’s and outscored my friends on the standardized tests. It all just felt so good. It gave me a lot of confidence.
My memory is a testament to that. I can still remember my GPA, my AP scores, my SAT score. I treasured these accomplishments. And it felt even better when I knew I had ranked in the top percentiles. I know it wasn’t just the scores that mattered to me, it was the scoring higher than others that really did it.
It’s all pretty fucking toxic, but I don’t really blame myself. Everyone from my friends to my teachers to my parents (and especially my parents, insert tangent about Asian parents) was praising me for my “academic achievements”. And they started me young too. From the minute I got in first grade and started getting the E for Excellent instead of the S for Satisfactory. Of course I was going to internalize that shit.
But since I’ve usually been on top, this ranking system has mainly just served to boost my ego (and give me a pass into elite institutions which will now give me a pass into a high paying job). But this year, I actually ranked on the bottom of the report card hierarchy. And I didn’t think I’d care that much, but it definitely stung. And it stung even more when I talked to my friends, and learned that I ranked lower than them.
I want to be seen as intelligent. And I worry that when people learn I’ve done poorly, they’ll think I’m dumb. And even worse, I worry that I am dumb.
So at first, I’d try fighting these insecurities with thoughts like “It’s only because I didn’t try.” And this may or not be true, I can’t really say for sure. But this coping mechanism is honestly just another trap. It doesn’t address the root of the problem. It still suggests that my grades are a reflection of my intelligence.
And I think quite obviously, that just can’t be true. Intelligence is such a broad, vague, & immeasurable concept. It feels sort of ridiculous that we’ve tried reducing it to letters and numbers. And it feels sort of ridiculous that I ever bought into the idea.
And to go even deeper, I guess the real root of the problem is that I tie my intelligence to my worth. Fuck it! Maybe some people are objectively smarter than me. But I don’t see how that makes me a lesser human.
Unfortunately though, these rationalizations don’t totally solve my problem. They certainly help, but my ego still winces when I look up and see my friends above me on the report card hierarchy. I suppose that’s okay though, those feelings are to be expected. What else happens when you raise a kid in a world where, their entire life, they are told that their grades are a reflection of their self-worth. Where they see their peers rejoicing at the A’s and tearing up at the C’s. Their teachers praising the top scorers, their parents asking them why they didn’t do better, the “smart kids” getting accepted to the big name schools and everybody talking about it like it’s a big deal because apparently it is a big deal and damn I guess I should congratulate them when I see them because, you know, not everybody gets in there! It all makes it just a little bit impossible to not get caught up on the numbers & letters.
I’m trying to unlearn it though. And all the other social ranking systems too. Hopefully one day I’ll be perfectly content to rank lower than others on whatever measurement society casts on me next.
It’s so fucking unfortunate that we’re wired for this constant exercise of social comparison. Whether it’s grades, beauty, salary, or sex, we absorb these value systems and use them to calculate our self-worth.
The ranking system that’s really fucked with me the most is the whole “virginity”, “body count”, here’s my resume of sexual experiences bullshit. I’ve absorbed these standards so deeply. Sometimes I really feel like I’m undesirable, unworthy, & unlovable just because I haven’t had enough sex with enough people. And it’s so fucked up because I don’t even want to have sex with lots of people. I just want to feel good about myself. And yet somehow, my brain has been wired so that the thing I don’t even want is also the very thing that makes me feel lesser.
Again though, it makes sense. Society puts a lot of emphasis on romance & sex. And for men in particular, we’re expected to have an insatiable appetite for sex, and our sexual partners are supposed to be a reflection of our worth. The amount of times I’ve had to hear men brag about their sexual experiences is so fucking cringe it actually hurts to think about right now. I don’t blame them though!
So what does make someone worthy? If it’s not wealth, intelligence, beauty, or any other trait that we use to rank & compare? I’m not totally sure, but I have a working theory (it’s probably not super interesting or original though).
Maybe worthiness stems from experience. I’d like to say that so long as someone has experiences, they are worthy of having good experiences. People deserve to feel happy, worthy, & loved. Regardless.
But how exactly does worthiness stem from one’s experience? I guess my logic goes something like this. I know I want to feel worthy & loved. And I know everyone else wants to feel that too. And so long as people have these desires, we should aim to satisfy them. Because it’s a basic principle that we should aim to make everyone feel good. Because positive emotions are intrinsically good.
But what about extreme examples like Hitler and Osama Bin Laden? Do people who orchestrate mass atrocities deserve to feel worthy? Maybe crimes like these revoke one’s worthiness. Or maybe not, maybe we should still try to make evildoers feel worthy. Because indiscriminately spreading love & forgiveness to the world might make it a better place. And because maybe harmful urges are just illnesses to be treated & prevented, not individual moral failures. I’m not sure.
Anyway, I hope everyone reading this can find the courage & confidence to reject the social standards around us. They don’t define us. As long as you’re sentient, and as long as you’re not Hitler or Osama, you’re probably pretty good to go. You deserve to feel worthy & loved! Actually though.
Taj 